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Kortalh.com
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Jesse Tessmer is the author of numerous short stories in the speculative fiction
genres, as well as the monthly comedy column, The Grouch Potato.
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Grouch Potato #4, March 2008
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Discuss
Dear Grouch,
How do books, movies, and albums become classics? Most of what is considered to be the classics contain pointless drivel, boring plot lines, or sonic torture. Do pop culturologists punch in a bunch of data on people's likes and dislikes into a supercomputer that gives everything a 'cool' and 'classic' rating? It seems that picking names out of a hat may be a more reliable way to define the classics than the current process.
- Anonymous
Ye Who Shalt Remain Nameless,
You've hit upon a very dangerous topic, and quite frankly, I'm not at all surprised that you've chosen to remain anonymous. You are not, of course, the first person to note that classics are very frequently not good at all. And while it might appear that the establishing of what is classic is a completely random occurrence, you can rest assured that the late and great Gary Gygax had nothing at all to do with it.
No, dear reader, the truth is of a far more sinister nature. A nature which reaches back to none other than the infamous Aleister Crowley, himself.
In the year 1894, Mr. Crowley came to the realization that people are driven by the things they love. Thus, he joined forces with the occult organization known as the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn -- itself a sub-branch of the Order of Freemasonry. The combined might of such powerful secret societies gave rise to the creation of a board known as the Sacred Order of Slipshod Partiality. It was their duty -- by using the rites of ilm al-raml, or "Geomancy" -- to predict those things that might be of high quality. Then, by means of their connections with the Illuminati, they would ensure that such things never came into the public awareness.
The most notable occurance of their involvement was when the then-president of Cocacola Inc. was commanded by an unmarked letter to change the recipe of Coke. This was a move by none other than the Sacred Order of Slipshod Partiality. By creating a new beverage with such a godawful flavor, the public outcry for a return to the original was undeniable. It is of no surprise, then, that this new brand of soda would be called Cocacola Classic. From that point onward, the public began to associate the word "classic" with "good".
But perhaps you already knew that. You are, after all, anonymous. Perhaps... perhaps you are one of them, attempting to draw me out into the open so that you can more easily destroy me.
...Perhaps.
Dear Grouch,
With the recent heat wave, ice has formed everywhere on sidewalks and too few have done anything about it. I have slipped, fallen, and hit my head a couple of times due to lazy people not deslipifying their sidewalks. How does one go about gaining vengeance for concussions caused by the neglect of others?
Signed,
I've Fallen and Can't Get Up
Get,
While peoples' laziness is regrettable, it's obvious that the true culprit of your troubles is none other than gravity.
Of course, it should come as no surprise that the United States government has studied this phenomenon for the last seven years, and has recently come to the conclusion that gravity is a form of physics-based terrorism.
A new program has been established which will check airplane passengers for the threat of using physics to overpower the pilot. Security specialists are on the lookout for anyone using a voice synthesizer.
Other things they are looking for are people with a surname of Newton, anyone with a pocket protector, and anything which too closely resembles the formula for calculating force: F=ma. Which, of course, means that FEMA will be dismantled within the next few months. Not that anyone would notice.
Dear Grouch,
I've heard that the UWMC campus is attempting to "go green" in order to help the environment. I'm really excited to see our campus taking positive action when so many others seem to be ignoring the issue. My question is: What are you and the rest of The Forum doing to help with the "going green" efforts?
- Kelly Irlande
Kelly,
To be honest, I'm a little sick of all this "going green" business. Have you no respect for the rest of the light spectrum? How much energy is spent in presenting us with an entire rainbow's worth of colors each and every day, and all you can do is complain about tossing out the ones you don't like. Well I, for one, will not stand for it any longer.
I don't like to be so crass with the people who are brave enough to send in their letters, but there are times when I just have to set the record straight. I mean -- have we learned no lessons in the last 40 years? Has Kermit taught us nothing? What part of "it's not easy being green" did we misunderstand?
Besides, green isn't even that great of a color to begin with. Have you ever had someone shine one of those green pocket LEDs in your eye? Not pleasant, I can assure you! How about something more enjoyable, like a nice saffron or eggplant? Or perhaps -- yes, perhaps fuchsia. What say we start a "go fuchsia" campaign? If you, my dear readers, agree with me on the banishment of this "going green" hogwash, post a flyer everywhere you can -- on campus, at the mall, the nearest funeral home -- with our new slogan: "We are the world! We are the fuchsia!"
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