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Kortalh.com
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Jesse Tessmer is the author of numerous short stories in the speculative fiction
genres, as well as the monthly comedy column, The Grouch Potato.
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Grouch Potato #2, November 2007
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Discuss
Dear Grouch,
Why do we still have Daylight Savings Time? I understand that it used to help farmers get an extra hour of sunlight before they had to go to bed, but in today's world of flood lights and GPS, they work well into the night anyway. Shouldn't we just get rid of it, and avoid the bi-annual confusion?
- E. Poch
E,
The use of Daylight Savings Time for farmers is actually an old wives' tale. Its very important origins have been mostly forgotten by time.
Faced with the superior technology and firepower of the British Army, George Washington invented Daylight Savings Time as a strategy for victory. When the sun set an hour early on October 29th, 1775, the British never saw it coming -- how could they? From that point on, Washington led his troops to victory and expelled the British Army from the Americas. It was, for all intents and purposes, the earliest form of shock and awe.
But more importantly, H.P. Lovecraft's discovery of the Necronomicon in the early 1920's revealed a very useful, unexpected side effect. Apparently our interference in the space-time continuum has left Great Cthulhu confused and bewildered in his watery tomb. He had planned to awaken in early April (to enjoy Spring Break on the beaches of Acapulco, no doubt), but the confusion of Daylight Savings has left him pacing up and down the halls of his underwater home R'lyeh, unsure of the appropriate time to rise.
Late at night, along the beaches of the South Pacific, one can hear a voice that is not quite human -- part insect, part squid -- chanting, "I! Spring back ph'nglui mglw'nafh, fall ahead R'lyeh fhtagn? Arrrgh!"
Isn't your continued existence worth the hassle of futzing with your clocks twice a year?
Dear Grouch,
I'm really upset with people parking all willy-nilly wherever they feel like it, and it seems like it's only getting worse as time goes on. Just last week, I had to wait for 45 minutes because I was parked in! I just don't know how to deal with these people. Should I have called the police to have him towed?
- Mike Trammeler
Mike,
It's quite ironic that you complain so vehemently about other people's inconsideration, yet you are completely insensitive to the very likely possibility that they are suffering from Parkington's Disease. The Grouch finds it utterly deplorable to discriminate against people with such a life-altering disorder, and you should be downright ashamed of your attitude.
Remember when Vice President Dick Cheney shot Harry Whittington in the face? Did you hear Whittington complain? No, you didn't -- because he was sensitive to the fact that Cheney is one of nearly 7 Americans who suffer from the traumatic Faceoshootosis Disorder. Mr. Whittington even had the good sense to apologize for putting our VP in such a position that he might be at risk for triggering his disorder.
Parkington's Disease, for those who are unfamiliar, is a neurological disorder that results in the inability to judge the appropriateness of the place where the afflicted leaves his or her car. It generally begins to show its first signs around the age of 16. Unfortunately, Parkington's Disease is almost completely incurable as, by the time that it's reported, it's already too late to treat.
So please -- talk with your friends and loved ones. If you recognize a child who routinely leaves his Big Wheel in the bathtub, get help now! Don't wait until it's too late; call 1-800-PARK-U-IN.
Dear Grouch,
Why does Hollywood keep remaking classic movies? More often than not, the originals had amazing direction, talented casts, and wonderful writing -- after all, they became classics for a reason! Am I the only one that's sick of seeing remake after remake in the theaters?
- Art Hentic
Art,
I think you misunderstand the purpose of a remake. The creators of a remake aren't so much paying homage to the original, but rather they're eliminating all of the flaws. Look at Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho, for example. Obviously nobody can watch a movie that was done in black and white -- you might as well ask me to read the original novelization. Besides, while Anthony Perkins and Janet Leigh may have done a passable job of 1960s-style acting, they're certainly no Vince Vaughn or Anne Heche!
Personally, the Grouch would love to see Michael Bay direct a remake of Citizen Kane. While Orson Welles may have come up with an interesting idea, his writing was skewed by oldtimeyness and a lack of technology. Had he lived today, he wouldn't have been tied down to making those long, boring shots. He could've used modern technology to make all of his shots less than five seconds long -- that'd have really livened the movie up! Throw in a healthy dose of shaky-cam, and star Will Smith as Charles Foster Kane. "Rosebud" could be the nickname of his favorite pair of black Converse sneakers.
But what really has the Grouch drooling is the pinnacle of all remakes: Ronald D. Moore is writing a remake of John Carpenter's 1982 The Thing, which was a remake of Howard Hawks' 1951 The Thing From Another World, which was a film adaptation of the short story, Who Goes There?, written by John W. Campbell Jr. in 1938. After all of those remakes, Mr. Moore's finale can be nothing short of breathtaking!
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